I really did think I was going to start this reflecting on the last year.
Becoming homeless.
Losing my son.
Losing my mind.
But in the last (literally) week, all of that means so much less.

I found homes in the strangest places (every one of you who let me share a room, borrow a couch, make me my OWN ROOM from your dining room!). There isn't anyone I know who hasn't opened their home (when it was feasible) while we try to get AnimeLand off the ground. You can't even understand how much you've helped. Thank you.

PT will be in a fantastic school by the end of January, staying with my parents. Learning how to be a more social, morally adjusted kid. I accept that I'm not the one to teach him that right now. I SHOULD be, but I'm not. Yet. Consider that one of my resolution/goals for this year. Become the person that he needs. Not his best friend, not his disciplinarian (per se), but the person who is supposed to make sure that he grows up to be an accountable, responsible higher level thinker. That can't happen until I undertstand how to be that person myself. I'm getting there. If that winds up making me his best friend someday...so much the better.

Its so difficult to explain from scratch to someone who doesn't understand what I'm going through emotionally. That it really is a struggle to not just get out of bed, but to even open my eyes and get to that point. I read the greatest thing I've seen in a long time the other day:

"I am mature enough to admit that i am depressed...but i dont see any reason to be negative about it."

I want to live the next year(s) of my life following that philosophy/resolution/goal. It's worth coming back to.

I'm getting medicine. Soon. No lectures on natural remedies. I have tried meds, they work. I respect your desire for no medications. Respect mine.

Depression isn't how you feel, it's just kind of who you are. Wishing you weren't diabetic doesn't make it so. You accept the fact that you have to watch your diet, and if it's far enough along, take your insulin every day for the rest of your life. No point in moping about it, right? You just...do the damn thing. And that is the other half of my new-found philosophy/resolution/goal: Doing the damn thing.

What crazy relationships I've had this year! Creating new friendships, rekindling old ones, letting go of the rot that is keeping me from getting better.

None of you are more important than Patrick. Period.
None of you are more important than my well-being. Period.

I'm unapologetic for that. I'm doing what I have to do to keep level. That means a lot of Twitter, texts, and email. Not many phone calls. There are only so many hours in a day. Only so many balls I can juggle. There comes a time when grown ups recognize the boundaries of other grown ups. I am a certain way, and I won't change that for anyone anymore. Don't misunderstand...I will evolve. Grow. With each new day, each new experience, each new encounter. I've given up too much over the last 12 years. There is simply not enough of me left to meet anyone halfway.

I have a sinking suspicion that I will lose a few more of you this year to that. You need someone who can give a little, because you need a little. I'm not the guy. You take me as I am, and if that doesn't work, you don't take me at all. I can at least do the same for you. I will take you as you are, or I won't take you at all. I will not give anymore of myself away.

Consider that philosophy/resolution/goal #3.

I've had a chance to see places on a map that I only dreamed I'd get to. A typical 9-5 would never have allowed me to do the amazing things I've been doing. With every passing day I feel more confident in my ability to take care of myself. And in the end, I can take care of Patrick as well.

So this year, expect to see me in Hinesville, Ft Lauderdale, and Seattle. I'll be heading back to New York, Hawaii, and California soon.

It can only get better. Expect to see me accepting what is, doing the damn thing, and not giving any of myself away.

You coming along for the ride?